It is taking much longer than i would like.
I have constantly sought to avoid seeing you in person... and it has worked for the most part. But mostly it has failed in terms of desired outcome. It still doesn't stop me from staring wistfully at your name in the fb chat "online" list, and at your name entry in my whatsapp application.
Both of which register a long time since i last received had any communication with you.
Sometimes, I stare at that accusing green dot or that last seen time stamp and wonder whether you ever do the same for me.
Obviously not.
And then I stare at that dot, and get semi-envious of the people you are voluntarily and happily talking to. The lucky ones who get to bask in your time and your words. The lucky ones you treat as your friends.
And I still wonder what was the problem you found with me such that I may fix it and improve "me" for myself, for my own purposes. Was thinking hard about asking outright. But it would probably shift things from an unacknowledged half-comfortable impasse towards full blown awkwardness that can never be fixed.
And being me, being in constant denial, I never want things unfixable. Especially if it concerns you.
If you ever read this, you'd probably think i was an obsessed person. You might even find me annoying or far too emotionally burdensome. Yes maybe I am. Or on another note, it also shows that I don't walk away easily once I invest in people. And that I saw something worth investing.
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Tuesday, September 17, 2013
okay the doctor said that i caught the SAME freaking bloody cough/cold infection again. I barely recovered a week ago, and 5 days later, im down with the same thing. Apparently my immune system is just weak, haiz, and so i caught the same thing probably back from all the other smu people who are sick with this mini-epidemic cough.
Sigh spending half of my 4 weeks of school sick.
Anyway, got this super high powered antibiotic. Feel damn weak now or is it just my imagination.
Ah well. need to get better majorly and fast. next week is scary week. Property law moot/ presentation and Comparative Legal Systems presentation (i think).
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Monday, September 09, 2013
i know i shouldn't have slacked off, but i needed a break or i was gonna explode.
re-watched a bit of bleach and OMG all the feels :(
epic sad moment, akin to Snape in Harry Potter where he went "after all this time?.... always"
SIGH.
Let me attempt to type out the hiragana from the poem found in the manga (above)
Might be wrong at some parts, forgot so much alr.
Kimi ga ashita hebi o nare
Hito o kurai hajimeru toshite
Hito o kuraita sono kuchi de
Boku o aisu to hoeta toshite
Boku wa hatashite kyou to onaji ni
Kimi o aisu to iieru darouka?
If tomorrow you became a snake
And started devouring people
And with that mouth that devoured people
You proclaimed to me that "you love me"
Would I be able to say I love you the way I do today?
Ermagad. the feels. :(((
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Friday, September 06, 2013
After all this time, I'm still not back to the status quo. This is retarded, what was that scant few weeks of niceness & warmth compared to the months of empty distance?
I have to stop hanging around. I have to stop acting like some dog, hoping/wishing/yearning for some scraps of attention/friendship tossed carelessly and callously my way from you.
If you had wanted to, you would have come talk to me, but you haven't. And I need to face the facts.
I had long ago stopped wishing for you to come back and resume your developing place in my life (that stopped developing abruptly all those months ago). But I had at least thought, it'd be nice if you were still actively my friend. Apparently, the "me" you got to know wasn't good enough to even warrant that huh? To warrant even wanting to talk to me as a normal casual friend.
I need to find distance, so I can finally be rid of this shadow that somehow unreasonably plagues me still. But somehow, I have always been good at remembering things, people and good times... long after the brief glimpses of them have abandoned me.
It's really stupid to yearn after something that was so short and fleeting. my thoughts really need to be controlled.
You clearly don't want to be the subject of my thoughts. And I guess I should want to say that neither do I.
It will come to me one day.
After all, it was only a few weeks.
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Thursday, September 05, 2013
lol this is so TMI, but it's fucking funny, my bro just went out to buy pads for me HAHAHA. and he had to call back at the supermarket telling me there isn't the size/brand i want.
HAHAHAHA shit. the things i make my bro do.
awkward store cashier max.
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Sunday, September 01, 2013
am so stressed and tired at the same time, tried to sleep to get rid of it momentarily.
but i can't sleep because every time i lie down, the cough gets 10x worse, and i cough so often, i might as well not be sleeping..
it's a debilitating cycle.
please, i need to get well, this is my busiest week yet.
competition, plus cca performance/camp on saturday, plus heaviest readings week so far.
ah. shit.
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