Thursday, May 31, 2012
5/31/2012 05:42:00 PM
24 years of destroying the self-esteem and confidence of my brother and I... has that made you happy?
years of alternations between neglect and insults, personal attacks brought up in the most mundane of discussions, threats, one-sided haranguing, and you dare to scold me for being on the verge of sobbing when trying to rationally discuss my point of view with you? that's like asking an abuse victim why they are afraid of physical touch. except on the mental scale.
why do you think i can hardly stand confrontations, why most of the time in disagreements/unsavory situations (at all times, not just family) my first and foremost thought is to not cry while talking (which im sure 99.5% of the population does not have this problem), while my best formulated arguments come out half-garbled? I have never lasted a confrontation healthily.
blaming people for how i turn-out is obviously not the thing to do, and im not doing such a thing. the only blame is probably my luck/fate/circumstance. but it really is true, a person is conditioned by their environment.
trust you to turn "helping me read through my appeal" into a giant quarrel (but more like one-sided attack) just because i dont agree with 1 or 2 sentences in your version. fuck seriously? you threaten someone with "don't learn your japanese/french/music anymore after all it's useless and a waste on you" just because i feel that in light of the lack of space it would not be the most important thing to put in my appeal. what the fuck. and this is MY document. with you, everything is an attempted slight/insult/pride issue. everything a person says can become negatively interpreted.
and the best part is, you shut me up before i can even say anything that can help steer the "conversation" into more neutral mutually understanding territory. as i usually do for friends/work discussions. no. you don't care. you thrive on anger, angst, cruelty and mean-spirit.
i wonder if i will ever forge meaningful close relationships with anybody, seeing how im so emotionally withdrawn (used to be), and now overly sensitive and messed up. i hate this. and i sometimes wonder if all the hurt you put me through balances the happiness i get from outside home.
and if it's an overall deficit, why do i even bother with this life.
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Sunday, May 27, 2012
5/27/2012 08:48:00 PM
never marry someone who thinks the extreme worst of everything and everyone
that pessimistic, negative, (bordering on paranoia) attitude
will wear you & your loved ones down bit by bit
line by line
word by word.
until all that is left are misunderstandings, insecurities, emotional detachment and the echo of past quarrels ringing in your ears.
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5/27/2012 06:01:00 PM
Watch excellent ice skating!! the korean iceskating male champion for 2012... HEH and he chose Fantastic Baby for one of his performances. hell yeahhhhh bigbang! and the way the audience is cheering is as though the group themselves were there hehe. really cool though, who knew you could make RUNNING on ice look so easy (besides the crazy spinning twirls).
and holy shit, glad to see some artist/talent management agencies manage their stars' money properly. (not like some other groups who live on pittances apparently :O)
At the age of 24, TOP can buy a USD$3million dollar villa (3 billion korean won is 3 million usd) (read here). OMG. haha, so young and accomplished. 25 years old but has spent 6 years in the music business already... even though at that age, most people would still be studying. ~.~
but i guess life as an artist is short (just like modelling/dancing) so must start young. unless you produce music that can span the ages/genres. yeahh that's bb's goal though, which i think might come true. music talent!! ♥
on a side note, i've been trying to type up my appeal. but it's really hard to adhere to the word limit and to make things sound nice/earnest and to include everything you want to mention at the same time. argh. end up spending a lot of time on.... um other stuff xD (as can be seen).
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Tuesday, May 22, 2012
5/22/2012 01:31:00 AM
ahhh i feel like getting a Tumblr.
recently, ive stumbled across a WHOLE TRUCKLOAD of awesome tumblrs with piles&piles of gifs and awesome fantastic images.
and not just pictures of anything or of funny/emo phrases (but those are awesome too when they fit the mood).... but of my latest obsession hehe. (obsession of half a year and counting)
 |
| T.O.P ♥ |
 |
| the woman is 50. she's freaking hot still LOL! |
|
and he's far away in korea and can never disappoint me.
unless he suddenly quits acting/modelling/rapping and does drugs:( *sadface*
LOL
life these days is interesting :) jap class is getting tough, and dance class is awesome (tho it's only once a week!) shall find a job at subway or something part time so as to replenish le bank account heh. classes are ex D:
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Saturday, May 19, 2012
5/19/2012 01:50:00 PM
The above is from tumblr, but I read some nice phrases somewhere, seems to deal with the same thing:
`People are sad because they are prisoners of their personal history. Everyone believes that the main aim in life is to follow a plan. They never ask if that plan is theirs or if it was created by another person. They accumulate experiences, memories, things, other people's ideas, and it is more than they can possibly cope with. And that is why they forget their dreams.
-The Alchemist.
easy to read and want to practise it... but how indeed? How would you know what IS your dream, the true purpose you were born with ( if the alchemist's theories are to be believed, that we are all born with our purpose in life but that we forget it and thus become unfulfilled later in life). What if your dreams change? Are they supposed to change? Or is all that theory a bunch of bs.
Maybe you should just follow your heart as it takes you, even if this "heart" changes, then you shall just change course yet again. Because at the end of the day, as long as you had fun on the way there, perhaps it's all worth it.
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| Mmhmm. |
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Tuesday, May 15, 2012
eventful days:)
5/15/2012 10:07:00 PM
yesterday was very eventful!
started japanese lessons at Ikoma Language School, learning with tze gek!! ahaha my partner in french class last time when we fell asleep so often ahahaha xD good days. now we'll be doing this every weekday...
and then had hip hop dance lesson last night (it's a 4 week course, once a week).. went with renci!! :)
ahahhaa the instructor is crazy, she made us do like IDK how many crunches just for warm up. at first we just thought "okay, crunches", should be fine, after all sports ccas train you to do mad repetitions of useless things. ahaha but she came up with so many variations to be done continuously in the space of so few minutes that we were like -.-and rolling on the floor dying.
but it's quite cool, learning to isolate various body parts, by countless repetitions! but very very tiring. my ribcage &waist aches. ahaha kpop songs playing in the bg makes you wanna be more sassy and attitude just like *that* though. so maybe that's why ppl dance with music HAHA.
sigh. must be a remainder habit left from the pre-As period. i keep having this nagging/gnawing feeling of slackness and guiltiness all the time. like even when i was working, when i went home and started slacking around i feel guilty. now when im not working, i just feel like some useless slack worm. but it's like, they say this is the last time we're gonna be so free (coz uni will be terrible). so must enjoy right. omg. because in pre-As period, if you spent one day like that (in utter slackitude), you'd be crushed in terrible guilt at night. (lolol story of my life, happened every other day while studying) haha gosh, miss those times.
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While At Law Soc
5/15/2012 09:56:00 PM
there was so much i wanted to blog about back during my Law Soc internship days. those were one of the busiest but at the same time somehow the most fulfilling days of my entire holidays since JC ended.
but somehow the post got buried amongst my usual angst about my existence and the pointlessness of typing it all out as no one really cares. haha. but just for my own reference i guess... in the future when i read back to this... (briefly)
i will remember the other interns: Jonas, Sharon, Shannon, Aisha... All a mix of TJ/VJ/HC/ACSI respectively, a whole bunch of fun and diff perspectives! :) hahaha hopefully will still keep in contact with jonas & sharon... since we all share some common enjoyment of lehpaking/eating good food/gossiping etcetc. aha J lives in Marine Parade with me and S shares my love of bb and gtop ahaha cough.
will remember the hectic work days when we'd be rushing to take phonecalls idk 30+ times a day. since so many people need to register for our free legal clinics. the phone rings non-stop in the Pro Bono Services Office (omg how many ppl face problems with the law eh x.x) and each phonecall we take can last for up to 20 minutes (while standing with a clipboard and a pen with phone clipped between ear and cramping shoulder. yes, the illustrious office doesn't give interns a phoneline, forcing us to take the phones from the cradles of colleagues' desks).
will remember how jonas (and his disdain for all things chinese LOL) (and aisha who speaks malay) relegated me allllll the chinese speaking phonecalls. aha rendering me pretty fluent in interviewing people solely in chinese for our criminal legal aid schemes and legal clinics by the end of 2 weeks.
dealing with angry/tough/uncooperative people over the phone is always a skill. and somehow i have trained that over the past 3 jobs. each job really comes with it's own irate set of customers to deal with. i remember getting threatened with being beat up by a gang by some idiotic person that MOM sent me to survey for the Monthly Unemployement Survey. Then at Navin & Co, there was some irate angmoh man taking his anger out on me over the prices charged for Notary services... and then at the PBSO, we are actually providing a free service. Feels reallllll good to curtly hang up on assholes who think they can treat us as secretaries or something... "sir, i cannot spend the rest of today giving you numbers and addresses of other legal clinics around Singapore, I have already given you over 7 of them *after an exasperating 20 minutes*, you can really just check the website. oh i'm sorry to hear that you are outside and cannot get access to a computer, but im certain you can find a way, like at a cyber cafe perhaps?*tries to maintain civility* have a good day, goodbye." *hangs up without letting him finish sentence.*
dealing with very deaf chinese-speaking old men is another problem altogether, and i spent 45 minutes on the phone speaking very loudly with an old man from an elderly home trying to coax details from him. (i got as far as his name and nric number.....in 45 minutes OMFG) hahaha but felt good when the senior officer told me that i was a good example as i really tried to help him compared to any other person who would have just hung up on him or told him to get help elsewhere. well, at any rate, finally managed to get the uncle to pass the phone to a hospice worker who explained to me his details.
will remember how it felt visiting the Changi Prison compound with a CLAS officer (Criminal Legal Aid Scheme), and sitting in those cool visiting rooms (with a thick sheet of glass, though no typical wall phone to speak into, but a speaker in the middle to transmit our voices across nevertheless... cool enough for me xD)
all the various cases, each more pitiful than the last... though there are still those whose accounts come interspersed with the seasoned lies/half-truths and concealed information of a criminal trying to do his best to win a free lawyer for his case. some are repeat drug offenders (heroin, meth, subutex, frequent trips to the DRC and what have you), some have AIDS, some have AIDS and do drugs at the same time.
will remember the awkward turtle-ness of it all, sitting in an interview room with the CLAS officer and the crminal who was a serial molestor, describing the sordid details of the case where he targeted the same girl in school uniform. the way we had to question them in subtle enough ways to get information and see whether they were withholding information from us, to test how forthcoming &honest they were being with us as well as see the loopholes/contradictions in their recounts of the events that led to their charges. and of course the mountains of paperwork (handwritten records of all our phone registrations for legal clinics, reports to be typed for the Director's perusal as to whether to grant legal aid to criminals or not).
sitting in at family legal clinics was really an eye-opener. you see the different types of lawyers. one kind is the impatient lawyer who shoos the person seeking aid out of the office in 10 minutes or less without listening to them hard enough, even though the session was supposed to be 20 minutes long. another kind is the lawyer who listens and answers every query patiently, actually seems empathetic to their plight and lets the session continue slightly longer if necessary for all questions to be answered. and it also makes you think that lawyers who do divorces (the main part of family law) might get really disenchanted with life & tired after long years of handling messy divorces.
almost all the cases we heard while sitting in at the clinic was sad. spouses who are abusive, who cheat, who turn the children against their other parents, who don't cooperate with child visiting procedures after the divorce, spouses who do all 4 at the same time. then you see the sadness and anger and helplessness in the person's eyes (many times over in different eyes in the space of an hour) and you feel sorry & drained at the same time. and then you take away some lessons (more for guys actually) like "never marry a vietnamese/whatever nationality mail-order bride so that she can run off with your money/jewels back to her home country 3 days after marrying you" LOL. and the lawyer was so funny. she turned to me & jonas and asked us "what's sex in chinese?" HAHA because she was going to tell him that you can get a marriage annulled if it wasn't ummmm consummated. ahahaha. how archaic a condition.
finally, ive blogged what i wanted to blog :)
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Friday, May 11, 2012
angst VS reason
5/11/2012 08:51:00 PM
all the struggles/tears/sleepless nights. for fuck. still never good enough.
and actually, i realise that all our (or mostly my?) sadness/angst/troubles always comes from the fact that in this freaking pressure cooker of bright/ambitious students, we are always forever engaged in a rat-race against others. to go to the more prestigious uni overseas OR to take a more taxing/selective course OR even a double degree OR combined with various scholarships etcetc just because it would ultimately show that we were more capable than the others.
And this makes me think that I shouldn't be so angst about not being accepted for the various places, because ultimately what matters is your life and how it is led right? why succumb to that which has been socially ingrained into you against your will?
But why oh why is it still so hard to cast out this gnawing sense of having failed oneself in this rat race, of being inadequate (even though you thought you were not, and thus bringing upon yourself a whole new quandary of anger and hurt pride)
Yes, i am a prideful being. I will speak honestly, so judge me for it as you wish. Very honestly, what with all the struggles i've had (not comparable to some, but really, much more than most) i really thought it would have been great to be rewarded for my effort.
but i guess, life has other plans.
it will turn out alright (?)
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Thursday, May 10, 2012
5/10/2012 07:17:00 PM
jogged 4.8km and sprinted 800m after that
while having a mother of all cramps lol.
say M for masochistic! :)
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Tuesday, May 08, 2012
5/08/2012 10:59:00 PM
for calling me out of nowhere and making me laugh through my tears.
thanks dom :)
and for the others who messaged me (and i wasn't much of a comfort), though you guys are also dealing with your own disappointments.
sigh, very disappointed. but i guess i will soon see a way out of this.
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5/08/2012 09:44:00 PM
i am a fucking outstanding student, and your school is god-damn blind if you can't see it.
and that's all i have to say.
and anger is obviously my first reaction
in place of crushed depression obviously. which will sooner or later sneak up on me.
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Sunday, May 06, 2012
5/06/2012 11:50:00 AM
haha brenda ♥♥ idk what i'd do without her. omg. must copy and keep all our epic convos so next time i can read thru and rofl at them. lol facebook chat shows me (loading earlier 5100 messages) when i scroll up. :O HAHAHA we are crazy.
yay for friends who withstand the test of time and distance :') even though we didn't really keep in very close contact through the entire jc (diff class, combi, cca) we turn around and have each other's backs still. and the same-wavelength-ness is still there :)
hopefully in the years to come, i can still rekindle/sustain friendships that were once awesome and that can still continue their wonderful existence in my life regardless of in-between disruptions.
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5/06/2012 01:01:00 AM
One of the best lyrics i've read from any kpop song! Not repetitive (except the chorus) and flows just like a story. the phrases are so niceeeee (like seriously, beautiful). and some of it's rap lyrics... how often do rap lyrics make sense??
Art :)
But I Love You
-by GD
Video here
Why did you do that?
Love? Don’t make me laugh.
Yeah, with bitter beer and cigarettes I quit because of you.
Because of you I smoke them again. This goes out to you (goes out to you baby)
To you who left without a word. Can you hear this song right now?
This lonely morning I meet without you
After you left, the compass in my heart has lost its way. My life is all ruined
I was unprepared, you ran far away from me.
My Venus, I’ve prayed to God to try and hate you
Because it was so unfair, because my life felt so miserable
My tone, actions, even my steps have gone away.
My habits that have copied yours are bothering me
You can’t be forgotten, how can I forget you, you’re the first page of all my memories
Birthdays, the beach, over the cliff of deep love, you’re the first girl who’s given me the pain of a first broken heart.
Even if in my craziness I feel sad, I’ll try to smile.
I don’t want your empty feelings, we were just too late.
Uh if it’s yours, if you’re going to do whatever you want,
This is the way you love? If I hadn’t started in the beginning yeah
The time I had with you was so hard
Everyday I waited for you by my phone
and every time you have no blame
You told me you were sorry and avoided me then left
B-B-But I love you girl, I wish you would stay here
B-B-But I love you girl, I wish you would hold onto me
B-B-But I love you girl, even if I don’t say it
Please don’t lose my eager heart, ma girl.
In my eyes, you are just beautiful
My friend told me not to fall too deeply
First I get mad: “that girl is different”
She is nicer and more pure than anybody
Uh lo-… no I really like you
Let’s not change I’ll make you happy, you
Stay by my side time flows by when 1, 2 years goes by
More better than this year
Your voice seems so tired, you need a place to lean, please lean on me
Don’t you see me? Why do you fall alone?
Lower my head, my heart tears and breaks
It was great when we first met
We were happy just seeing each other
Actually I’m still like that, but why aren’t you?
Lately when I see you I don’t get the same feelings yeah
The memories with you were so hard
Of course it may be my fault, I’ll probably comfort myself like this
When time goes by this memory will be like smoke too
Fly far away, a new love may find me too
B-B-But I love you girl, I want to make you smile
B-B-But I love you girl, I want to wipe away your tears
B-B-But I love you girl, nothing anymore
I can’t turn back your changed heart, I know girl
I call wanting to see your face one last time
But till the end there’s no answer from you
Oh why are you avoiding me? Please tell me girl I’m still standing still
B-B-But I love you girl, I wish you would stay here
B-B-But I love you girl, I wish you would hold onto me
B-B-But I love you girl, even if I don’t say it
Please don’t lose my eager heart—
B-B-But I love you girl, I want to make you smile
B-B-But I love you girl, I want to wipe away your tears
B-B-But I love you girl, nothing anymore
I can’t turn back your changed heart, I know girl
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Saturday, May 05, 2012
5/05/2012 10:57:00 PM
haha my mum quite funny. randomly talking about unis, then she started telling me that there are many guys in uni who are very ____humsup_____(cantonese word for hungry wolves/lecherous??) LOLOL. i think i remember her telling me that before JC started too -.- HAHAHA totally unneeded warning for jc, come on!
like..... hahaha i highly doubt any hungry wolves will want to target me, compared to idk 991285018275015X prettier chioer girls out there. hahaha and me thinks maybe RJ has a much lower proportion of HS people in the population of guys?
okay. anyway, yay hopefully can start jap classes soon! though ill probably be lonering around, because all my friends are either
1. at work/in NS
2. wants to learn but stuck at their job
3. doesn't want to learn a language/thinks it's too hard
but nvm, i put up a facebook advert in the form of a status update... (HAHA yay the wonders of social media) wonder if ill get a good response!
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Thursday, May 03, 2012
5/03/2012 12:43:00 AM
Typed this last night on my phone to quickly jot down the swirl of thoughts that so prevented me from sleeping. The joys of an iphone?
***
One moment I'm telling myself that I won't care anymore, that I'm gonna let go one finger at a time, forcing myself to step off this tightrope of emotions and feelings that bind us. Even if the consequence is for me to fall off into the unknown by myself. It's better than waiting for the fraying rope to break in trepidation. Or just maybe I'm hoping for a strong hand to pull me back.
The next moment I'm lying here in the dark, self loathing, forgetting my earlier rash self-promises and reliving those instances of the past, wondering how I can keep myself on the rope, how i can keep that very rope from snapping . Regret pours in, for things which I know I might have done sub consciously (or consciously but unthinkingly.)
To you: Whatever happened to our developing friendship that was finally taking on some normalcy? The one where we could actually start confiding in each other, seeking comfort during our low points? Did I totally wreck that gradual process? I can't even remember what I did or did not do in that time period. Have I been such a horrible unthinking friend who didn't even bother to follow up with you? Coz i realise i don't even know how it turned out for you, the one problem close to your heart that you had deemed me worthy of confiding in. Was I singlemindedly pursuing something else I thought was the friendship I wanted, without pausing to consider the blessings I had or was already developing? I also think I have been hideously spiteful in many ways. In many foolish ways.
And you. I remember all the wonderful times we had nonsensical fun, crappy jokes and complain sessions. The times when you could easily high5 me or suan me or laugh at me relaxedly... What changed? Have I done something to make you resent me, dislike me, avoid me? These days I feel like a pariah you avoid, to speak only when spoken to, in monosyllabic responses and idk what I have possibly and irreparably done.
And you, the one I craved to obtain and keep as a treasured friend. The one who I have perhaps mindlessly and like an extremely open book, invested so much time and concentration to gain as a friend. I have probably overestimated the closeness of our friendship. And the ensuing result is the crushing disappointment on my part. (When I realise I hardly can contact you as I would do a close friend.) But it's okay, isn't the key to happy living, to not expect reciprocation or recognition for your efforts? I have treated you the best I would a best friend and the positive energy I have put out into the world is my good deed I guess.
The round up to everything is this I guess:
I am sorry.
If you ever thought that I was fickle.
That I was shallow.
That I was flighty.
That I was not a serious friend.
That I took you for granted.
(together in combination or even singly)
I am sorry. I truly am.
And I want to fix it, but it's like sliding deeper backward into a trench whose sides are too slippery to climb back out by my efforts alone. And as time ticks by, the hole fills up with the moisture from the falling rain.
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Tuesday, May 01, 2012
of good genes and hot girls *sigh*
5/01/2012 11:47:00 PM
hahaha omggggggg. have been stalking and gossiping with brenda tonight about these 2 juniors (from rgs, now in RJC J1)
they joined some dance contests and kpop contests, and their youtube videos have 200k views :O:O plus i heard they won the contract with the entertainment agency but i guess they turned it down, coz now theyre in RJ
but seriously lah, no shit :O they have excellent genes and must be doing smth right bah, they have korean model long sexy legs and hot bod already. plus the long hair. and can dance. all they need is some more attitude + swag then can already :O
Watch this dance cover by them
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