what do you do if people want to leave you/ your life?
I read some poignant article awhile ago that if people want to go, you should help them go. And this lady (lol extreme example) was being left by her husband of 18 years for another woman who was also married T.T and the first thing she said when he told her he was leaving was to offer him a ride to the nearest town instead of letting him walk miles in the dark at 4am. wow respect lol.
HMMM i don't know whether this is epic sad/passive/pushover behaviour or whether it is actually quite a wise strategy to apply in our normal life, to deal with the estrangement of friends/family/ crushes/lovers etc etc.
As one of those Buddhist philosophies go "attachment is the root of all suffering", not to say that attachment of any kind is bad or that one should be aloof/distant to everything, but i guess being overly desirous of anything such as decidedly clinging to ideals/ideal ways of life/people/material possessions will probably end in suffering for any person. (oh my im starting to sound like what my mum used to say in the past). So maybe that's the main reason behind saying "you should help them go".
In the case of that woman (in the above story), it's not as if this saying means that you kick the dude out the door and pack his suitcases for him and fling it out after him (HAHA a sight to see). I guess it just means make it as easy as possible for all involved?? Being bitter/vindictive/horrible/vicious is not going to help either side and if things escalate, not going to help your own cause as well. It's probably also bad for karma. So i guess if someone screws you over, i guess you know that there's nothing you can do to change their minds (or they wouldn't have done it to you in the first place), and if so, let any negative energy be theirs to keep (if there's even any fault to be apportioned in human feelings), and if your own conduct is wonderful, doesn't that just show you in a positive light to everyone else or even just to yourself?
Haha hmmm, but as of now, i don't think this means being a sitting duck however. If it's a work situation and someone screws you over... though you don't retaliate in the same vicious way, i think some payback that can help you achieve the same results but in a smarter/subtle way is in order. Maybe this is idealistic. But wow working world politics will be damn bad i foresee.
but actually all this just makes me think of one metaphor/imagery- a doorman smiling and holding the door open for people who proceed to walk out the door. BUT i guess one is being paid as a job and doesn't give a flying fk about the people walking out, and the other actually gives a damn.
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Sunday, May 26, 2013
and there you go, yet another hole in the thing i call my heart.
it is probably inaccurate to say "there you go" seeing as you haven't gone yet. But i can read the signs and i hate every second of it.
in my head i can practically see it, taste it, predict it... a train heading towards a crash. A sadness that none of us can do anything about. Except in my case, there is something that can be done. But only by you. The terrible whims of Man.
everybody leaves
just depends on whether they leave silently or with different excuses.
I probably should stop being so dependent. So easily investing my feelings, trust and time.
Be your own fucking person, girl.
But i guess it's hard to stop caring.
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Tuesday, May 21, 2013
i guess the emo contents from the last post was sort of prompted after a semi-traumatising (and very eye opening) experience on sat-sun where me & my maid underwent caregiver training at the hospital so that we can properly take care of my mum when she gets discharged in the uncertain future.
i guess it struck me that life is really very fragile and realised that a vegetative person can be so helpless :( though we were all told these things by the doctor/nurses and every one of us has read somewhere about taking care of the handicapped etc, and you even see the person lying there in the hospital bed, but the thing is... what you see is just the surface. the clean sheets, the blanket, the person lying immovable on the bed. Yes, her eyes arent open, yes the scars and the part where the skull is removed looks quite bad, yes the machines look like they are really needed to support a life.... but thats not half of it. Not close.
I guess every thing i learnt over the weekend just reinforced in my mind, the sad helplessness, and i feel so sad and sorry and heavily responsible all at the same time.
When you learn about feeding thru a nasogastric tube, there are so many things that could possibly go wrong, it's mindblowing. You have to withdraw contents from the stomach first and test the content's for it's pH. (in a twisted way, like a chemistry experiment huh) At a certain pH, you can't feed the person. If you can't get any contents withdrawn, you need to check the mouth for coiling of the tube, you need to turn the person onto their left. you need to pump in 20mls of air to hopefully be able to dislodge the tube from the stomach lining to be able to withdraw contents. Or else, it might all just mean that the tube might have come out of the stomach (bad/dangerous/could have got to the lungs). You need to calculate the amount of feed to pour in. (if 80 ml of old liquid was withdrawn, then you need to put it back together with (200-80=120) ml of new feed... but if more than 120ml of old content was withdrawn, you put it all back and not add new ones etcetc) Diff medicines need to be given in diff ways. etc etc
When you spongebath/change diapers/turn a person, there are so many intricacies too. Certain ways to pull and push a person (if i may be pardoned to use this comparison- much like a heavy heavy ragdoll) at only certain body areas, so as to get the best leverage possible, the ways to leave the body lying such that there won't be over-pressure on certain bodily points/bones so that there wont be bleeding/bedsores. How to change clothes and bedsheets all while the person is lying right there on the bed still etc etc. I guess heaving someone back and forth certainly makes you realise all the behind-the-scenes work nurses do everyday. Also makes you realise sadly the extent of your loved one's disability. But all we see on the surface is the person lying there. So i guess, it was really eye-opening.
Am really quite worried though. My bro really almost couldn't care less. My dad (wonderful dedicated husband he is though) has never appreciated the trouble that my mum used to put into keeping hygiene in the kitchen/cooking/housework etc, much less higher level stuff like this, that he thinks can be solved by hiring a maid alone. Thankfully, thank god this new maid we have hired is really super good at everything (what a rare rare rare find, took us 20 maids or smth to find her haha) my mom would have liked her i think :( but anyway thank goodness for her, she's really damn capable. But im quite scared... for very complicated stuff like measuring and pH and etc etc joints, dislocation, what to do or not do, when the doctors explain it to us, even i have a hard time absorbing (and we have gone thru how many years of science education?) so my maid and dad were totally lost. Heavy burden of responsibility it seems, falls on me and it's like a matter of life and death??? Really need to pay attention x10924710825701.
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Saturday, May 18, 2013
Her fingers twitch from time to time. Little twitches and bodily movements. All these cause a flood of exultations and comments from visiting relatives who are struggling hard to find something (anything) to say to us. Everything is a positive optimistic forward looking postulation "she will get better" "there has been so much improvement" and "things can only go up". Do they actually believe it or are they paying lip service for the sake of having smth to say? It is so hard to find anything appropriate and non-awkward to say around a hospital bed where the patient is unconscious. Do you talk to them where the words meet silence? Not for long. Do you talk to the other visitors about smth outside this depressing world of sickness? No for fear of being seen as flippant. Do you talk about their current health status? Oh yes, but obviously negative pessimistic projections will be met with stony faced horror. The obvious solution is thus this flood of empty euphemisms. I am tired of it.
Just come, pray and think good things silently in your head. Leave when you want to leave. Why on earth must ppl constantly have to fill this void with words. There is nth that can be said in this cold empty clinical environment anymore.
Another thing:
Are all these rituals- hospital visits, home visits etc and even funerals (in yet another setting worlds apart from this one) done for the benefit of the departed/invalid/sick one or done for the benefit of those left behind in the world of the healthy?
It seems inclined towards the latter.
Instead of letting her go semi-peacefully, we operate and leave her in this helpless state... Just so we can face ourselves, face our own consciences, face the questions of relatives with a "we tried everything. Shes alive. But the surgery left her vegetative."
Is it selfish insistence on our part, willfully turning a blind eye on possible truth? Is it blind hope that humans instinctively clutch to because the alternative is too sudden... too depressing to contemplate? The permanence of a person's passing is too harsh a reality, so we cling to everything else, grasp at all straws possible at all cost.
But is it really what my mom would have wanted? This bleak helpless form, unable to control the most basically instinctive of actions from eating drinking to coughing out phlegm to passing motion and bowel movements. When her eyes open periodically thru the day and we crowd around saying hello and "asking" her how she's feeling and praying and etc, her eyes remain glassily fixed on a point in the distance. How do we expect her to miraculously recognize our faces and be aware of our presence when the most basic of needs have to be done for her?
When she was awake and well (as she was one month before this... before the shit hit the fan), she already seemed to have a bored/ennui-filled view of life as it was.... Even though it was a life where she could do almost anything she wanted from day to day. Children no longer need to be handled, maid handles housework, husband allows her to go out any time she wants, spend any $ and go anywhere. What would she think of life now? I really don't know. She once told us being vegetative was the most pitiful unliveable form of existence and she would not want it. But my dad refused to see this recount from me and my bro as an absolute expression of her opinion. And now here we are.
Is this blind grasping of straws by dad or is this over-pessimism by me? Are we doing this as a way to assuage our inner demons and avoid facing the truth or are we doing this because it is the right choice my mom would have wanted anyway? To be kept "alive" as long as possible, no matter the cost, no matter whether it is just the body and not the mind that is present.
I don't know anymore. Are there even any answers to be had?
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Sunday, May 12, 2013
too many true poignant lines in this article. a good read. Thought Catalog (the website) is really not bad most of the time!
Read here: I Will Always Care Too Much
The reason why so many of us hide behind irony, sarcasm and cool disinterest-
"Even in personal relationships, feeling too heavily invested while simultaneously understanding that the other person couldn’t be more detached is one of the most profound feelings of embarrassment we can experience.... To be shamed for your sincerity is to be reminded that you are dependent on something which is not dependent on you — that you are, once again, vulnerable."
Which is really quite true. Everyone is afraid of getting hurt huh. Or being vulnerable first.
"I find myself always on the verge of asking how people are and insisting, when they respond with the inevitable “fine,” “No, really, how are you?” Because I want to know. I want to find out, and I want to feel that the connections I form with people are not superficial."
The best part:
"There are few things I want more in life than to like and be liked by people — for the right reasons. I don’t want to feign enjoyment of someone’s company because they are socially important, or have someone placate me because I have enough mutual friends to make it necessary. I want to feel as though the love we express to each other (in all its forms, romantic and otherwise) is entirely without irony or pretense. The conversations we engage in seem to me not worth the effort unless they are based in genuine affection and curiosity"
sigh too bad there really seems to be too much fakeness and politicking even in school. thank gdness for the gems of people you find here and there :')
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Sunday, May 05, 2013
ok can.
i sometimes feel that my presence in other's lives is all very ok-can-noted-you're-here-oh-look-there's-someone-to-replace-you-bye-now-OR-oh-by-the-way-i-started-a-convo-with-you-because-i-wanted-to-ask-something-now-that's-done-bye.
though i've resolved to let go and not expect feelings to be returned/reciprocated/recognised, sometimes its really hard. sometimes i have to be human and lapse into bouts of sadness and frustration.
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