today went to send off sharonsy (so gaysy daisy) at the airport with pin, beegee and fishball! (lol why all our names so gayyyy)
LOL made a joke toilet paper card for sharonsy to send her off. "Dear sharonsy, have a great time in tranny land.. don't forget us while you're having (umm) fun ;D" do yall know how hard it is to write on toilet paper?? #firstworldproblems hahaha. beegee damn gross, he was like "i like it. i want to use it". can imagine sharon taking the used tissue out of the bag with a disgusted atas look on her face xD
had sick-ass convos on the train hahaha (i really missed this aspect of life)
then watched iron man 3 at tampines!! Yay for easties :) all live so near each other. lol idk why half of us were lost during the film haha, maybe too much intellectual jargon. meanwhile saying stuff like "eh your (meat)balls very nice!" wtf.
then we took neoprints! HAHA so nostalgic and also quite gayyyy. dragged beegee to take with us, his manly reputation going down the drain as we speak hehe.
went to eat dessert at some hongkong place and omg sick convo ttm. Epic shit lah, adding words like "sideways" and "in bed" to the end of every sentence.
too bad felt feverish the whole day D: throat so painful also. ah welllll at least good company makes sickness bearable :)
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Monday, April 29, 2013
I used to emo so much about people drifting away from me and about losing these treasured ones, be it friends or family.
But perhaps, we must after all accept that change happens, people change, you might have changed. You might not be the person your friends want to be around anymore, or vice versa. Accept the happiness that came with the bond once upon a time. It existed, and in the time it existed, it was real and wholesome. Just that all things do not last. That happy state of affairs didn't last (not this time anyway), but the feelings were there and will still be there if you treasure it as it was in that moment.
Also, need to stop doubting progress/hopeful optimistic signs of my mum's progress. her eyes are open and she stares at us from time to time. her fingers and hands (on her right side) can now move sporadically. today, i was almost jumping with joy and wonder when a familiar song to the both of us came out on the radio and her fingers tapped. but later i looked at her movements for the rest of the day, and it seemed like she did the same finger tapping movement for everything. so i doubted myself yet again. I need to stop doubting though. It might be a instinctive response of self-preservation that i don't want to give myself false hope in the fear that it would just crush me later. But all things should be taken as they come huh? And the hope will keep us all going. Every day at her bedside, i pray for her health and mental faculties. For my dad to take care of his health. For my bro to be more mature and responsible. For me to be more mature and responsible as well. And for all of us to have the strength, resilience, patience, courage and faith to keep on holding on. For us not to lose hope. Maybe i should take some of my own advice. I am a free-thinker, but praying is a wonderful thing, no matter the god/the beliefs and the ideology. After all, don't we just need a guiding moral compass of our own, and make life a better place for those around you?
Paulo Coelho in The Zahir:
"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are"
I'm so glad I wrote this quote down oh so long ago while reading this book. It really calms your mind when you think about it in conjunction with all your problems. It's not saying that you should throw out everything that doesn't fit your liking. It's saying that you try hard, yes, but when the time comes and you realise it's not working out, and you have done what you have done best, you have to let things go. Things like negative feelings/situations/horrid thoughts. Let it go and you will be happier and freer to live your life.
And really a lot of problems come from expecting to get something back. I can relate to like every single of the "don't"s in that sentence above. Maybe in my immature 20year old perspective, who hasn't seen all that life has to offer, but it is so true in every aspect. Expecting recognition for my efforts, expecting love to be understood.... hasn't this been replayed all too many times in our lives? We expect parents/friends to be appropriately grateful and nice to you when you have been to them. We expect the school/universities to automatically welcome you with open arms just because of your wonderful track record (wonderful as it may be). We expect friends to always be there for you because you have been there for them. We expect friends to not drift away from you because you promised the same back to them. We expect the one we like to like us back as much or even more. And when it doesn't happen, we are disappointed and crushed. It is really this craving and subsequent let-down that makes everyone so disappointed. Again, however, I realize this way of thinking leads one down a path into not wanting to hope even (as mentioned above), but that's not true. One can hope and expect but one has to let go when these expectations aren't met. I guess?
Let's hope i can keep to this. I always type some thoughtful shit but end up forgetting it often right after. Never mind, may repetition help imprint some useful advice in my brain.
On a side note:
Im really very very glad to have got closer to sharon & pin these last few months & made new friends with bee gee & ee vin & sum & a whole bunch of others recently in the last few weeks. they are so much alike to my youth club exco (whom i swore in earlier posts were such peas in a pod that it was impossible to find others so in sync with me) but now i suddenly find this group of wonderful people who are just as wonderful in different yet similar ways. So fun-loving, nice, wonderful, warm people who are somehow on the same wavelength and possess similar senses of (sick trololol) humour/fun.
Esp sharon and pin who have really been there for me in this trying period of time. For never failing to check on me thru whatsapp, for listening to me in my angsty/depressive/sad moments the past 2 weeks, for giving me long thoughtful replies that really help, for all the cyber and real hugs and love i received from them. there was a night before bgs exam, where i was crying like shit over what my remaining family not in hospital was doing to each other (perhaps a side-effect of frustration/stress/pain) but yall really made me feel okay again. Though, of course, everyone who has been there for me through checking up on me from time to time and offering various forms of help have really been wonderful. Just felt like especially mentioning the rarest moments of connection for the sake of remembrance down the road when i read this blog.
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Tuesday, April 16, 2013
mom's surgery was successful, physically at least. The surgeon says that mentally, we would all just have to wait and only time will tell though. Have been praying and also have asked close friends to pray for my mum too. hopefully all these good wishes will bring a miracle.
there's something bugging me deep inside though. it's like this nagging sense of guilt that i haven't been doing enough. i was supposed to try to take my exams, so i visited a bit less than my bro&dad (like once a day instead of twice for a few days) but it seems in the end, that i really don't think i can take the exams. So i ask myself, if you're not even taking the exams what have i been doing? why do i feel so semi-useless? why aren't i visiting my mum more? it's not like i love her any less, and visits don't correlate quantifiably to the depths of feelings... but i still feel guilty. and this is a bad thing, but i think i've always had an escapist tendency within me when dealing with problems.
that first night when mum was admitted, the phone rang and i knew it was my dad, and i just didn't pick up- all 3-4 phone calls. i didn't want to know if her condition worsened or if our worst fears happened, so i just switched off the phone and cowered at home. what a coward. the days after that, i've just wanted to avoid talking about it and avoid looking in the eyes of my relatives who keep giving sympathetic looks. it's like I'm avoiding thinking about this horrible situation, but it's so irresponsible of me. perhaps this is why i keep having this never-ending persisting sense of guilt. and then i just feel so so tired and sleep a lot because i don't want to think about it.
and now i'm feeling even more virtually useless, because im not even taking 2/3 of my examinations, so there's no excuse for my 'dereliction of duty' so called.
guilt fear guilt worry guilt. escapism. more guilt.
this is hardly any help to my dad who's doing so much for my mum and just expending all his efforts in that direction. :'( i think he's really damn dedicated and loving and my mum really found a gem of a man. he is always on the look out for better doctors/specialists/second opinions for my mum's condition, asking around for all kinds of contacts in the field, cutting out articles that might help with such conditions, even sends smses to her phone that we now keep, detailing every single day to her, so that when (not if) she wakes up and one day gets back her consciousness/state of mind, she can review the times she has missed. and what have i been doing? just hoping every day that she will get better.
i need to buck up.
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Saturday, April 13, 2013
yesterday my mum was admitted to the hospital.
thought it was just a bone/nerve problem recurring, as was last diagnosed in SGH 2 weeks before this when she had a splitting migraine and neck pain.
was walking her to the car so we could go to the A&E at SGH again because it was an emergency but yet at the same time not so. suddenly she was screaming in pain and we had to call the ambulance. waited in the lobby while she puked all over the ground making noises i never thought a human could. i cried while rubbing her back while she puked and retched. thought that was as bad as it could get.
apparently not.
today i find out that the whole day, my dad has been holding out on giving me info. he wanted to wait until after my finals (starts on monday) before we all come tgt and discuss as a family. are you kidding me. should have just told me this morning.
tonight however, he finally agreed with me that he should tell me now and not wait so long. how on earth can you wait so long when my mom is lying unconscious from brain bleeding in the hospital bed? (that was all the info i had this morning)
so we had a chat with the doctor/surgeon tonight. an aneurysm that ruptured in the right brain, and a blood clot plus a lot of bleeding.
Operate? there's a really good chance of physical survival. however, after that, according to the surgeon there's 95% chance of her being in a vegetative state for who knows how many more years of living. and less than 5% chance of going back to normal. Should we operate and worse comes to worse, would this be the life she wants for herself? Or do we just close the door now?
dad decided that we should just try. there is still hope. better to try than always wonder what if she had gone thru the operation and over the years came back to normal. i don't know what i feel. it seems right to follow what my dad said. but the thing is, me and my bro remember conversations with my mum where she said that she wouldn't want to be a vegetable though, and that that kind of existence is very pitiful. (never did we think the stories we read in the newspaper would happen this way). we told our dad as much. however, i can see the hope in his eyes and words, and after we told him he still said that we still couldn't be sure that is her definite stance on the issue. i can see a man struggling to hope when i see it, and i have no heart to tell him that NO you shouldn't try. after all, we all want that hope.
hope. that might have been the very reason why we all jumped at the explanation given to us the first time at SGH (the first hospital visit 2 weeks ago) when they said it was a spinal/bone problem. perhaps we had all wanted to believe it was the bones, and a relatively more minor thing than a ticking time bomb within the brain.
so now, all that's left is to pray hard and hope for that 5% chance. even if it doesn't happen, we can always hope that miracles happen (as they sometimes are wont to do and we read about them in the papers). Wasn't there the case of the woman who woke up from being brain dead, good as new? Wasn't there the case of my dad's friend's wife who had an aneurysm in her brain as well, but came back after many months? It's possible.
Please god.
on a side note, i dont know if i should postpone my finals to "the next immediate normal school term" what does that even mean. wtf schools and their administrative barriers + bureaucracy + rigidity. at one go, i am confused as to what i should do, and also guilty that i can be thinking of this at such a time, and also but im sure my mum would be thinking of this if she were here. or is that rationalizing? idk.
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Monday, April 01, 2013
whatsapp is not a good thing.
you now know when people have seen your message, but deign not to reply unless it conveniently suits them.
it's like no fucks given that day for you or your message or whatever.
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