fucking betrayed. wtf.
how could yall.
after all the related discussions we've had and everything, and you just do this to me without even asking??
even if there might have been a problem with me having other possible choices, doesn't mean you dont ask right?
and the best part, so many other people can be asked instead huh, though a lot are friends (but aren't i one of them as well), some of the people you haven't worked with even once before.
i always thought we were all in this together. i thought we were tight. i would have appreciated at least being told or even asked. but no, apparently im not good enough.
apparently im just some idiot who can be fucking ignored any time its not convenient.
im so sad i dont even know where to start.
i don't think this is childish or immature at all. I would feel it's only right, if you have a couple of close friends, who have actually talked about such stuff with you two before and quite frequently, that you would consider these people when you actually do important things. But no.
Makes me think that all my life i've been deluding myself, telling myself that these are people who i treasure, who would treat me like a treasured friend in return. But maybe i have been one-sidedly attaching value where there is none to be expected back. A depressing thought.
my family screws with my head and emotions everyday. and then my friends come and fuck me over. fuck my life.
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Wednesday, June 19, 2013
This morning I woke up and I heard the voice of an angel singing a song to me.
Thank you maxineeee, for always thinking about me and my family, for specially singing a song+ playing the guitar to send me over whatsapp as encouragement. What a pleasant surprise :')
Sometimes I suspect that angels take the form of humans, ranging from 10% to 100% and we just have to discover them. There is a lot of goodness in the world and in the people around, and I need to learn to be grateful for it.
I read some quote somewhere: "if gratitude was the only prayer, it would be enough". I guess the importance of gratitude in our lives really is underestimated sometimes. The basis of a lot of good things and well being. No matter whom you pray to/are grateful to.
Thank you everyone who has been sustaining me thru these times. :') I am often quite judgmental, not-so-nice, angry, mean, selfish... If I were to list a lot of my bad traits, the list would be endless, and I don't know how or why I deserve such wonderful friends looking out for me, but I am so very grateful, thank you :') I will work to treasure y'all better like I should
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Monday, June 10, 2013
"I'm never gonna wait
That extra twenty minutes
To text you back.
And I'm never gonna play
Hard to get (...)
When we all know everyone's life
Has been hard enough already
It's hard to watch
The game we make of love.
Like everyone's playing checkers
With their scars.
Saying checkmate
Whenever they get out
Without a broken heart.
I intend to leave this life
So shattered
There's gonna have to be
A thousand separate heavens
For all of my flying parts"
-Andrea Gibson
Stumbled on this quote somewhere.
Some parts are extremely apt, like the part about games and checkmates and how there's already enough ambiguity in life... And i guess the main point is to go after what you want (i guess?) with all of your heart and not be afraid. Because you'll get over it, everything shall pass (even the bad stuff) and life is too short to spend it regretting. Approve.
LOL but the ending just makes me cringe. Life is hard enough without all the self-induced theatrics "intend to leave this life so shattered?" fk. there's enough hardship already. too much romanticized bullcrap here spreading around the internet. people who have faced nothing much worse than "boohoo omg the love of my life left me" and then thinking that life has dealt them a bad hand.
And even the gravest problems people face in singapore/developed societies are nothing compared to the more critical life-threatening things others face around the world day to day. I admit that much.
But of course, it is inevitable that we should think our problems are the worse huh? Because that is what you are precisely going through. The closest things always hurt the most.
haha okay. just a quote to share. /did not intend a rant/
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Sunday, June 02, 2013
a few nights ago, had this immense emo spell late at night (3-4am anyone?) and was crying myself to sleep. Cried so hard i almost couldn't breathe.
thought about mum's condition a bit more than usual... and also thought about how much i miss her.
though she was always an overbearing dominating presence in my life who i think i spent more hours fearing than not, who i had to report to for almost everything, who could go from nice to extremely hellish in a split second and who made me watch all my words/actions/guestures, mincing my every move about her in fear of being yelled at..... if i could say so, there was quite a love-hate r/s with my mom. I really really love her and respect all the things she's given up to raise my brother and me, but at the same time i really despised how bad things could get at home because of one person. No it was not just the controlling, but the verbal abuse, the picking fights with everyone in the family, the intense screaming etc... but all that was in the past, and i don't expect anybody who has a good situation at home to really understand no matter how much they try.
(A Digression, something i always wanted to type about in the past but never got down to it:) Sometimes, it used to make my blood boil whenever people could wax all moralistically and idealistically about how family is family etc. when they hear about your problems. While it is true that a family unit is most important and you should always put them first on your part, there are certain families whose circumstances (not always, but a fair amount of time) are so far away from normal/good/warm that you can't apply the same ways you look at family life to them. And this kind of thing can really only be understood if you live in the same or similar situations. If your parent is hitting you or screaming terrible things about you/your character/your very person just because of something minor like using tissue paper instead of a towel for instance, i hardly think that is similar to normal families out there.
But all that said and done, it was in the past. And while i always had many issues with my mom, which i never let loose in real life(always the meek obedient one saying "okay sorry okay yea i will do it correctly yea sorry"), i did let loose some angsty ranting on this blog which probably sounded very bad on my part, but did wonders for my mental state. All that said and done however, I love her and I miss her.
And so that emo night, i felt like i was almost truly alone in this world. With the semi-loss of someone who was always always there whom i reported to daily (which i guess was a sign of how much she cared though in quite an extreme way but she cared nonetheless), sigh. I do miss my mum. A lot. And everyday at the hospital when i visit and stay there for many hours with the maid, where we learn all the things the hospital teaches us in taking care of such an invalid/vegetative person, life reminds me over and over again how it can take and give away. How unfair it all is as well. How many other patients, who had strokes but less grave than my mum's, have I seen over the last month, walking around just fine, fussing over food, getting discharged, and all of them older/much older than my mum is.
Then, in the dark as my scumbag brain is always wont to do, my mind went on to emo about friends and how transient they seem :( The usual things I emo about, but now made 100x worse on top of everything else. I thought about all the friends who have left me, who are now all so distant, who give me the impression that they never gave a damn. It seems to always be the case, when i stop contacting people, when i stop making the effort every day or every other day to share things with them, that our contact entirely ceases to exist... because all along it has been me supplying the effort 100% and it was merely convenient for them to go along with me. So when i stop, they stop and all contact ceases. Which is pretty pitiful huh.
I looked thru the friends in my phone, wondering who would be up and also free at this time to hear out some sad horribly depressed soul at that hour. Thank you god, for giving me a friend like Sharon in this stage of my life. Don't think she will ever read this (coz she lost my blog link ages ago LOL) but thank you bb for being there for me. For giving me the strength to get my shit together for the night and the following day, for always being a few seconds away to listen me out, even with all your problems. I know you said that you've been hurt too many times by false promises to ever promise me that you'll be around forever or to promise me that all of us will be friends forever (which is really true, i know that things are transient enough and times change us in many many ways), but i think we will try and that's good enough and this strong bond will hopefully last us for quite some time at least. Thank you for taking the time everyday to check on me, i don't deserve such a wonderful friend like you, but you make me want to be more loving to the people around me just by being the wonderful person you are to me.
And i will end off this post with some pictures that she sent me, that i hope will tide me thru the days.
Hopefully, i will become a stronger person after all this. Hopefully, all of us will. My dad, my bro and me.
And this.... idk, it just struck me. Coz my mom used to say it all the time. "Everything will come to pass". Yes it will, let this pass me by, please.
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