down memory lane-- my dearest dear who even made a song for me for my bday. i was thinking about you these weeks. i want to give you a hug. ahh, im really quite a horrible person :/ too busy for my friends? or just kinda thoughtless. sigh.
guilty :( but i will make up for it! i promise.
sigh. i feel so depressed tonight idk why. maybe it's partly coz ive been trying to do math, but no matter how much time i spend, progress is slow, idk what im doing and its so hard and stumping.
D: FML.
i read somewhere that when you're stressed you want oily food, and when you're depressed/sad you want sweet stuff. i want something sweet now D:
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Monday, August 22, 2011
in answer to a qn: more interesting than half the people i know at any rate xD
haha sometimes you wonder what goes through people's minds, especially when all that seems to come out of them to you seems soooo :/meh. yes, wonder if that's how it is in the scenery of their minds as well... or perhaps it's just that they can't be bothered to share much with you. aha that's certainly a consideration.
i needed that today-- that numbing laughter until your abs (or lack thereof) cannot take it anymore, the laughter that carries you like a tide until you can barely speak properly. though for such a short period of time, nn in the midst of the library where silence reigns supreme. HAHAHA, i really need more of that.
laughter is really the wind that clears the fog lining the shores of your consciousness. the medicine for a phantom ache.
kk need to be motivated now. toodles.
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Sunday, August 21, 2011
was reading Under the Macroscope just now... hmmm idk whether it's very good... kinda overly condensed, not too convinced over their choices of certain issues to put up as well (some seem rather insignificant)... well afterall, it IS a work of students, and they might have to rush with assignments and school and stuff! haha but anw, interesting thing: the internet's 20th birthday is this year. OMG in 20 years, it has evolved so much :O scary if you think about it hard enough.
i remember, in primary 4/5? we were sooooo super amazed (my bro and i) that there was such a site called Youtube that we thought we could watch ANYTHING on!! haha because last time my definition of everything i could possibly want to watch was limited to 1-2 series of anime XP
now, it really has become almost anything (tho i might grouse and complain that i can't watch my jap boybands coz of strong copyrights D:) butttt, omg, the online world has really really really grown.
last time it was 56kbps dial-up connections that took soooo long just to load a single web page of text... now it's like, you can watch a movie while surfing thousands of sites.
okay, and productivity has really gone down the drain in my terms XD hehehe. *sneaks off guiltily*
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friday aftnn was relatively pdtive! at least i did some stats in the library... sat with dawn and jack :D dawn is superrrr funny XD was totally turning her vectors worksheet into drawings HAHA like did you know the vector column notation can be turned into a snowman/turtle/etc hehe retardedness maxxx. haha learnt a bit of math from jack, taught him some ionic eqm. haha yay for the first time i find that i actually know a topic^^. happiness.
ran 4.2km friday night, sighh started too late, didn't feel like running the last bit to 5km because the lights downstairs switched off, haha and there wasn't many ppl around.. last week's run in the gym was so much more productive! ran 5km in 33mins (which isn't that fast D:) while ding ran 7plus km in the same timing... amagad. haha nvm wasn't aiming to go fast (coz burning=slow)
i wish i could transfer some of that diligence and motivation from running into studies D: grr. its just that, you are sooo slow, and you get stuck so often, demoralising ttm! nvm, shall imagine the happy day that will come soon, when i can do all the math problems/chem problems like *that* ^^ hehe. i wish. nvm dreams are there for a reason!
can't really rmber what i did on sat D: why are my days at home just blurring!!! wishing im more productive. i dun slack that much, it's just the stoning and the staring at e blank paper that's sucking my time away D: (i think) (or maybe i have dual personality, and the other side is accessing my time when im unconscious and uses the computer like a maniac :D)
HAHA. ding has succumbed to his own influence (plus a bit of mine, since im always fangirling about it), apparently he rewatched till ep16 of kaichou LOLOLOL! at least im not the only one wasting time :D but that mad mugging machine already did alot of math and chem prelim papers. who am i kidding.
gahhh. study study study hard pleasee.
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Thursday, August 18, 2011
if all it took was around slightly 2 weeks of no-showing after school (perhaps 2.5), that was needed to break your friendship, i'm not sure it went very deep in the first place.
i wonder why it hurts then. i always knew some part of our daily interactions was so purely superficial. but i thought there was a little substance too, a little thing called "my friend" that i could call you. i guess that's where/why/how it hurts. and now there's 2 of you who i can barely talk to. or at all.
Isolated in isolation (or in my head), where my thoughts are all that's talking to me. The thoughts that resonate louder than your words, those words that reverberate with cheer to everyone else but me.
I am tired of fake smiling, of trying but getting the cold shoulder (yours specifically). Looking you in the eyes and seeing that remote look that you used to only give people who you didn't talk to much (dare i say, who you didn't like much?) i find myself back in the past. Overseas in a foreign land with fellow students- some friends- but still lost. I knew you (but at the same time... I didnt). Those closed off circles i once blogged about are back again to haunt.
Except this time, i think i can do something else about it. If trying harder didn't/couldn't .... no wouldn't cut it... Then it's out of my hands, and that's okay.
***
emoing is bad to do before sleeping. it's like when you start down those paths of thought, you can never sleep until you completely go thru it. agonised over this while tossing around.
people around you are like treasure chests buried in the sand; and you- an adventurer, perhaps, digging and sifting through the fine grains.
sometimes, you uncover/scrape the surface of a buried chest, but somehow (by luck/chance/fate/stupidity of your own making) (most likely the latter) you never did get around to uncovering more of that chest. even though the glimpse you caught, had hinted that that was the very thing you were looking for... you left it there in favour of other pursuits. other investments of time that might not have been very wise choices.
and then you realise that that brown unassuming box actually held one or two very special treasures (the ones you were looking for), that could have turned into precious friends. people who you can click with like *that*, who understand you, around whom you never really feel judged as "weird" coz they prob come from that same wavelength, who face the same problems, who you sometimes look at and know they are thinking along similar lines.
and who you never really got to spend much time as friends with. and for that, im sorry.
maybe not even treasures, let's not go with that cliched description. chests filled with rubbishy epic goodness, with laughter that is kinda a medicine for the soul.
friends who are open enough to tell you when they read your blog, who actually ask you if you're alright and want to know the answer. because it's when you don't feel judged, that you can actually tell a person almost everything. and that might not depend on how much time you spend with a person.
***
what can you do to start remedying the problem now?
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Wednesday, August 10, 2011
YESSSSSSS. i have restored my long-lost blog picture!
I realised it has been missing for so longggggg, that most of the people recently reading my blog don't even know there was a picture hahahaha. yay prettyness :)
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gosh. i need. some. self. control D:
ahhhhhhhhh.
but all i want to say is.... I WANT AN USUI TAKUMI TOO. (which no one would understand, unless they watched the anime ~.~''... ahhhh *heartmelt* lololol not so much the looks but the actions nn the cheesy lame-ass pickup lines & serious lines.... ) haha reminder to self: this....is....a....non-alive...character....fictional! lol but jokes aside, i think the creators for this series really made the dialogue and action wonderful. the best most apt moments, lines, comedy, pretty scenes PLUS fanservice occasionally. heh.
gosh my inner fangirl has been unleashed.
dangggg. haha what dj calls "fangirl rage" RAWR.
shittttt. need to stop. NOW. (watched 17 eps in two days) wonderfullll *floats off*
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Tuesday, August 09, 2011
was looking through my pictures folder.
screenshots of times when you played a song i recommended on itunes
and it showed in the msn status bar.
unreasonable happiness at little (insignificant) things that never meant much to anyone but me.
the past-me? maybe. i don't really know.
to delete or not. that is the question.
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Friday, August 05, 2011
whoosh just ran 5km :D so happieeeee. okay so maybe fitness doesnt really degenerate so much! i think it's in the mind! butttt, im pretty sure i cant do 150 pushups luhhh. D: haha ah well.
shall go watch anime/read trashy novels now :D:D hehe.
it's a friday nighttttt. (and discipline is rare on a friday night)
hahaha. ding is watching GoSick, an anime i recommended. and i might go and watch kaichou wa maid-sama (because it's apparently an anime that's totally my type, that i will printscreen and obsess over like crazy). amagad the bimtchhhhh is seriouslyyy ruining my life. im supposed to be studying but now i just got recommended a new anime. and earlier this year it was the audi craze, theoatmeal.com craze and hyperbole.blogspot.com.... dangg~~~ and im watching and fangirling over ouranhigh drama also (the actors are like AMAGAD hotness ttmaxx)
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011
why must mir and syakir run off home (to the same one? hmmmm:O) so earlyyyyyyyy after sch ended!! haha so me and ding were going to eat lunch... and oh joy. ran into his classmates. they are soooooooo annoying. tsk. why must they pop up at the most qiao moments. -.- nn they stalked us (NOISILY) from sch to mrt to j8. so anw, yay rather pdtive studying in LJSilvers today. 3hrs plus plus! we are always so silently chionging straightt thru our own work. pressurizinggg hardcore mugging machine ding. tho it makes me study.
but the idiot made me eat lunch earlier at a place i ate with classmates just the very DAY BEFORE. bimtchhhhhh. omg. ah well. later had to buy a random drink at longjohns just to be allowed a seat! at least i finished electrochem bklet. but came home and slacked like nobody's business. haiz. 3K knows me by my (horrendously sad/tragic) nickname, but alot dunno my real name. WTP -.- and you'd think if there was actually something/anything among any of us, we'd 4 not be so SHAMELESS on facebook right. but apparently, they cant tell the difference haha ah well. we are too good alr. HAHA.
just read baby's LJ. am so inspired by the post about the supremely giving warm elderly couple. haha and kinda happy~... the kinda way that you feel when you see other people being happy/content or when you realise that the world goes on without stopping for individual miseries because it is so much bigger than that.
hahaha :) which brings us back to a gd point: happiness is what you decide to be, not something that someone else can dictate for you/point out to you/put conditions to. because if you decide not to be happy, no matter what joys and comforts you possess that others point out to you, you'd never appreciate them/be happy for them. and when you yourself are happy in yourself (while being yourself), you will be just that, even when the world aims to bring you down.
hehe. i wish i could be mature/wise enough to say that this shall be my aim in life from now on. but i know, it won't happen just like that *snap*. hopefully tho, will rmb this when i feel down and out.
note to self: must stop feeling ticked off/frustrated. zzzxc.
The spark I seemingly once saw (while on a path of folly) dances
In another ember, waiting to ignite.
Lament this tardy realisation
Twas that caused this (once) cold fireplace
original creations don't sound as good as they did in your head. maybe shuld have wrote it down the moment i stepped thru the door. ah well. i sorta forgot some parts.
LOL the influence of this flight of fancy: my mum recently borrowed a book of poetry by sylvia plath. hahaha, was reading and trying hard to understand. was wishing after 2-3 half-meandering attempts, that i took lit a little longer... or that the book had an analysis section. heh. but i like. languages are fun.
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