everyday we argue
we fight, shout, scream, cry (this one is mostly just me), attack ea other with hurtful piercing words
emotional blackmail, judgments, comparing, subtle underhanded snide remarks
i don't know when this will end.
over and over, we rehash the same issues. they remain unsolved, remain boiling and blistering beneath our skins. until the next conflict and it is all brought to the surface by the littlest of triggers.
i don't even know if this giant blow-up of today's will solve anything. Issues seem resolved. But yet, who really knows? Who can guess what goes on within all our fragile stupid complicated minds as the days pass and the situation continues looking bleak.
Family. what is it? Are we just a group of people related by body tissue, blood and excessive amounts of time spent together in one place?
And it's true isn't it.... all those times we've read in ridiculous dramatic fiction books that describe how a family falls apart when 1 member disappears. it's true. When 1 thing fails, all the cracks start showing. The cracks that were already existent but just hidden from our view.
***
On a different note, sometimes do you wonder what it'd be like if you die? If you could see everyone's reactions at your death, will you be able to see who cares and who doesn't. Or whether everything you have on earth was superficial anyway.
Or whether all the conflicts with people you've had will resolve itself or will they just continue thinking they're right/will they continue hating you. It's a weird thought how people might, just might, start thinking better things of you and sing your praises only when you die.
I used to have this rather morbid thought throughout primary school and secondary school. Maybe i was always a little skewed.
Sometimes, i wonder if it's because i'm so emotionally screwed up (in so many ways more than one, and certainly more than i've ever typed on this blog) that i find so much difficulty keeping the friends that get closer to me. So few already make it into the level of deeper friends than superficial acquaintances, but so many of this few have time and time again disappeared and gradually distaneced themselves.
Probably there is something in me, that everyone has seen and decided wasn't worth their time.
Potential relationships, friends, classmates, etc, among those who got closer, they have all seen that something in me, that they have all glimpsed and decided they didn't want a part of. All these people who have changed their minds. While i remain pining after them (for their friendship, their time, their company, their smiles, their inclusiveness) for a good long time afterwards.
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