a few nights ago, had this immense emo spell late at night (3-4am anyone?) and was crying myself to sleep. Cried so hard i almost couldn't breathe.
thought about mum's condition a bit more than usual... and also thought about how much i miss her.
though she was always an overbearing dominating presence in my life who i think i spent more hours fearing than not, who i had to report to for almost everything, who could go from nice to extremely hellish in a split second and who made me watch all my words/actions/guestures, mincing my every move about her in fear of being yelled at..... if i could say so, there was quite a love-hate r/s with my mom. I really really love her and respect all the things she's given up to raise my brother and me, but at the same time i really despised how bad things could get at home because of one person. No it was not just the controlling, but the verbal abuse, the picking fights with everyone in the family, the intense screaming etc... but all that was in the past, and i don't expect anybody who has a good situation at home to really understand no matter how much they try.
(A Digression, something i always wanted to type about in the past but never got down to it:) Sometimes, it used to make my blood boil whenever people could wax all moralistically and idealistically about how family is family etc. when they hear about your problems. While it is true that a family unit is most important and you should always put them first on your part, there are certain families whose circumstances (not always, but a fair amount of time) are so far away from normal/good/warm that you can't apply the same ways you look at family life to them. And this kind of thing can really only be understood if you live in the same or similar situations. If your parent is hitting you or screaming terrible things about you/your character/your very person just because of something minor like using tissue paper instead of a towel for instance, i hardly think that is similar to normal families out there.
But all that said and done, it was in the past. And while i always had many issues with my mom, which i never let loose in real life(always the meek obedient one saying "okay sorry okay yea i will do it correctly yea sorry"), i did let loose some angsty ranting on this blog which probably sounded very bad on my part, but did wonders for my mental state. All that said and done however, I love her and I miss her.
And so that emo night, i felt like i was almost truly alone in this world. With the semi-loss of someone who was always always there whom i reported to daily (which i guess was a sign of how much she cared though in quite an extreme way but she cared nonetheless), sigh. I do miss my mum. A lot. And everyday at the hospital when i visit and stay there for many hours with the maid, where we learn all the things the hospital teaches us in taking care of such an invalid/vegetative person, life reminds me over and over again how it can take and give away. How unfair it all is as well. How many other patients, who had strokes but less grave than my mum's, have I seen over the last month, walking around just fine, fussing over food, getting discharged, and all of them older/much older than my mum is.
Then, in the dark as my scumbag brain is always wont to do, my mind went on to emo about friends and how transient they seem :( The usual things I emo about, but now made 100x worse on top of everything else. I thought about all the friends who have left me, who are now all so distant, who give me the impression that they never gave a damn. It seems to always be the case, when i stop contacting people, when i stop making the effort every day or every other day to share things with them, that our contact entirely ceases to exist... because all along it has been me supplying the effort 100% and it was merely convenient for them to go along with me. So when i stop, they stop and all contact ceases. Which is pretty pitiful huh.
I looked thru the friends in my phone, wondering who would be up and also free at this time to hear out some sad horribly depressed soul at that hour. Thank you god, for giving me a friend like Sharon in this stage of my life. Don't think she will ever read this (coz she lost my blog link ages ago LOL) but thank you bb for being there for me. For giving me the strength to get my shit together for the night and the following day, for always being a few seconds away to listen me out, even with all your problems. I know you said that you've been hurt too many times by false promises to ever promise me that you'll be around forever or to promise me that all of us will be friends forever (which is really true, i know that things are transient enough and times change us in many many ways), but i think we will try and that's good enough and this strong bond will hopefully last us for quite some time at least. Thank you for taking the time everyday to check on me, i don't deserve such a wonderful friend like you, but you make me want to be more loving to the people around me just by being the wonderful person you are to me.
And i will end off this post with some pictures that she sent me, that i hope will tide me thru the days.
Hopefully, i will become a stronger person after all this. Hopefully, all of us will. My dad, my bro and me.
And this.... idk, it just struck me. Coz my mom used to say it all the time. "Everything will come to pass". Yes it will, let this pass me by, please.
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