mom's surgery was successful, physically at least. The surgeon says that mentally, we would all just have to wait and only time will tell though. Have been praying and also have asked close friends to pray for my mum too. hopefully all these good wishes will bring a miracle.
there's something bugging me deep inside though. it's like this nagging sense of guilt that i haven't been doing enough. i was supposed to try to take my exams, so i visited a bit less than my bro&dad (like once a day instead of twice for a few days) but it seems in the end, that i really don't think i can take the exams. So i ask myself, if you're not even taking the exams what have i been doing? why do i feel so semi-useless? why aren't i visiting my mum more? it's not like i love her any less, and visits don't correlate quantifiably to the depths of feelings... but i still feel guilty. and this is a bad thing, but i think i've always had an escapist tendency within me when dealing with problems.
that first night when mum was admitted, the phone rang and i knew it was my dad, and i just didn't pick up- all 3-4 phone calls. i didn't want to know if her condition worsened or if our worst fears happened, so i just switched off the phone and cowered at home. what a coward. the days after that, i've just wanted to avoid talking about it and avoid looking in the eyes of my relatives who keep giving sympathetic looks. it's like I'm avoiding thinking about this horrible situation, but it's so irresponsible of me. perhaps this is why i keep having this never-ending persisting sense of guilt. and then i just feel so so tired and sleep a lot because i don't want to think about it.
and now i'm feeling even more virtually useless, because im not even taking 2/3 of my examinations, so there's no excuse for my 'dereliction of duty' so called.
guilt fear guilt worry guilt. escapism. more guilt.
this is hardly any help to my dad who's doing so much for my mum and just expending all his efforts in that direction. :'( i think he's really damn dedicated and loving and my mum really found a gem of a man. he is always on the look out for better doctors/specialists/second opinions for my mum's condition, asking around for all kinds of contacts in the field, cutting out articles that might help with such conditions, even sends smses to her phone that we now keep, detailing every single day to her, so that when (not if) she wakes up and one day gets back her consciousness/state of mind, she can review the times she has missed. and what have i been doing? just hoping every day that she will get better.
i need to buck up.
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