I used to emo so much about people drifting away from me and about losing these treasured ones, be it friends or family.
But perhaps, we must after all accept that change happens, people change, you might have changed. You might not be the person your friends want to be around anymore, or vice versa. Accept the happiness that came with the bond once upon a time. It existed, and in the time it existed, it was real and wholesome. Just that all things do not last. That happy state of affairs didn't last (not this time anyway), but the feelings were there and will still be there if you treasure it as it was in that moment.
Also, need to stop doubting progress/hopeful optimistic signs of my mum's progress. her eyes are open and she stares at us from time to time. her fingers and hands (on her right side) can now move sporadically. today, i was almost jumping with joy and wonder when a familiar song to the both of us came out on the radio and her fingers tapped. but later i looked at her movements for the rest of the day, and it seemed like she did the same finger tapping movement for everything. so i doubted myself yet again. I need to stop doubting though. It might be a instinctive response of self-preservation that i don't want to give myself false hope in the fear that it would just crush me later. But all things should be taken as they come huh? And the hope will keep us all going. Every day at her bedside, i pray for her health and mental faculties. For my dad to take care of his health. For my bro to be more mature and responsible. For me to be more mature and responsible as well. And for all of us to have the strength, resilience, patience, courage and faith to keep on holding on. For us not to lose hope. Maybe i should take some of my own advice. I am a free-thinker, but praying is a wonderful thing, no matter the god/the beliefs and the ideology. After all, don't we just need a guiding moral compass of our own, and make life a better place for those around you?
Paulo Coelho in The Zahir:
"That is why it is so important to let certain things go. To release them. To cut loose. People need to understand that no one is playing with marked cards; sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Don't expect to get anything back, don't expect recognition for your efforts, don't expect your genius to be discovered or your love to be understood. Complete the circle. Not out of pride, inability or arrogance, but simply because whatever it is no longer fits in your life. Close the door, change the record, clean the house, get rid of the dust. Stop being who you were and become who you are"
I'm so glad I wrote this quote down oh so long ago while reading this book. It really calms your mind when you think about it in conjunction with all your problems. It's not saying that you should throw out everything that doesn't fit your liking. It's saying that you try hard, yes, but when the time comes and you realise it's not working out, and you have done what you have done best, you have to let things go. Things like negative feelings/situations/horrid thoughts. Let it go and you will be happier and freer to live your life.
And really a lot of problems come from expecting to get something back. I can relate to like every single of the "don't"s in that sentence above. Maybe in my immature 20year old perspective, who hasn't seen all that life has to offer, but it is so true in every aspect. Expecting recognition for my efforts, expecting love to be understood.... hasn't this been replayed all too many times in our lives? We expect parents/friends to be appropriately grateful and nice to you when you have been to them. We expect the school/universities to automatically welcome you with open arms just because of your wonderful track record (wonderful as it may be). We expect friends to always be there for you because you have been there for them. We expect friends to not drift away from you because you promised the same back to them. We expect the one we like to like us back as much or even more. And when it doesn't happen, we are disappointed and crushed. It is really this craving and subsequent let-down that makes everyone so disappointed. Again, however, I realize this way of thinking leads one down a path into not wanting to hope even (as mentioned above), but that's not true. One can hope and expect but one has to let go when these expectations aren't met. I guess?
Let's hope i can keep to this. I always type some thoughtful shit but end up forgetting it often right after. Never mind, may repetition help imprint some useful advice in my brain.
On a side note:
Im really very very glad to have got closer to sharon & pin these last few months & made new friends with bee gee & ee vin & sum & a whole bunch of others recently in the last few weeks. they are so much alike to my youth club exco (whom i swore in earlier posts were such peas in a pod that it was impossible to find others so in sync with me) but now i suddenly find this group of wonderful people who are just as wonderful in different yet similar ways. So fun-loving, nice, wonderful, warm people who are somehow on the same wavelength and possess similar senses of (sick trololol) humour/fun.
Esp sharon and pin who have really been there for me in this trying period of time. For never failing to check on me thru whatsapp, for listening to me in my angsty/depressive/sad moments the past 2 weeks, for giving me long thoughtful replies that really help, for all the cyber and real hugs and love i received from them. there was a night before bgs exam, where i was crying like shit over what my remaining family not in hospital was doing to each other (perhaps a side-effect of frustration/stress/pain) but yall really made me feel okay again. Though, of course, everyone who has been there for me through checking up on me from time to time and offering various forms of help have really been wonderful. Just felt like especially mentioning the rarest moments of connection for the sake of remembrance down the road when i read this blog.
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