i spend over 4-5 hours doing chores for you today. i have tons and tons of work that i know i need to be doing (& im worrying myself sick about it) and im sick to the core with this horrible tiredness & sorethroat but i still do it willingly, without you saying it twice. because you're family. because this is family helping out around the house when the maid just decides to leave a week ago (because of your overboard verbal abuse day in day out to her, shouting and screaming and all the insults- but that's another story).
i don't even complain to you about how much work i have, or try to wheedle my way to less work, or try to lessen it on account of being sick, i just do it. and you can shout at me over being fucking too slow for your liking??
why don't you try to poke the small tiny nuts yourself in "half an hour" because that's all you think it takes, even though i've been sitting here concentrating on doing them for the past 2 hours at my fastest speed. Even if you really think they take 1/2 hour, don't you think you could at least fucking appreciate people when they do things for you? no, all you do is tell me that i'm so so so slow and that it's freaking 11 pm on the eve of new year and i haven't kept the shoes at the door. and then you proceed to throw my shoes out the door, slamming the door at the same time while screaming at me. while i try to hurry with the nuts.
just because one is related, doesn't give any one a license to be an ass.
and the best part, you start shouting at me for not doing that one thing, in fact the last item on the list, even though you didn't even have to remind me at all for me to have done everything else i was supposed to do. that i've been doing. all day long today. slamming doors and making snide horrible remarks. wtf. i don't deserve this. and this is not the only day you do this to me, where maybe perhaps you could be excused for being stressed.
every day, every week, every month, every year, no matter if it's chinese new year (where you're apparently supposed to embody all the good sentiments and feelings for the new year- don't make me laugh) or if it's a normal day. you make me feel bad, useless, worthless, stupid, horrible. and you tell me in as much words yourself. hurtful cutting words every other day, about how i get more useless as i grow up (translation from cantonese). how i'm a horrible girl. etcetc. and the list goes on. all over mundane matters.
in fact, if i may say so myself, objectively looking at my conduct... i think my conduct as a daughter has been excellent. i don't talk back, ever (unlike certain friends of mine where i have many times even heard them being rude and impatient to their parents over the phone). i tell you almost every where im going, every time im coming back, am home before 10pm almost every day, help you do anything you ask me to, listen to you for hours on end if you rant & rave, run errands outside the house at a moment's notice, remember all your bdays even when no one else in the family even bothers to take note of anyone else's, and i write note after notes on every single celebration, telling my mother & father how much i appreciate them raising me. But all i do is take every single insult/snide remark/degrading you've dished out to me. when you hit me, i don't hit back. when you try to control everything i do, from what i wear to what i eat to what i do, i just say "ok" to almost everything. so why do i deserve any of this?
i once told a confidante how you screamed at me and called me worthless. over something as minor as using tissue paper instead of a towel. and that friend told me never ever to think of myself that way.
but how on earth do you not get affected, when day in day out, your very own mother tells you otherwise?
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