Typed this last night on my phone to quickly jot down the swirl of thoughts that so prevented me from sleeping. The joys of an iphone?
***
One moment I'm telling myself that I won't care anymore, that I'm gonna let go one finger at a time, forcing myself to step off this tightrope of emotions and feelings that bind us. Even if the consequence is for me to fall off into the unknown by myself. It's better than waiting for the fraying rope to break in trepidation. Or just maybe I'm hoping for a strong hand to pull me back.
The next moment I'm lying here in the dark, self loathing, forgetting my earlier rash self-promises and reliving those instances of the past, wondering how I can keep myself on the rope, how i can keep that very rope from snapping . Regret pours in, for things which I know I might have done sub consciously (or consciously but unthinkingly.)
To you: Whatever happened to our developing friendship that was finally taking on some normalcy? The one where we could actually start confiding in each other, seeking comfort during our low points? Did I totally wreck that gradual process? I can't even remember what I did or did not do in that time period. Have I been such a horrible unthinking friend who didn't even bother to follow up with you? Coz i realise i don't even know how it turned out for you, the one problem close to your heart that you had deemed me worthy of confiding in. Was I singlemindedly pursuing something else I thought was the friendship I wanted, without pausing to consider the blessings I had or was already developing? I also think I have been hideously spiteful in many ways. In many foolish ways.
And you. I remember all the wonderful times we had nonsensical fun, crappy jokes and complain sessions. The times when you could easily high5 me or suan me or laugh at me relaxedly... What changed? Have I done something to make you resent me, dislike me, avoid me? These days I feel like a pariah you avoid, to speak only when spoken to, in monosyllabic responses and idk what I have possibly and irreparably done.
And you, the one I craved to obtain and keep as a treasured friend. The one who I have perhaps mindlessly and like an extremely open book, invested so much time and concentration to gain as a friend. I have probably overestimated the closeness of our friendship. And the ensuing result is the crushing disappointment on my part. (When I realise I hardly can contact you as I would do a close friend.) But it's okay, isn't the key to happy living, to not expect reciprocation or recognition for your efforts? I have treated you the best I would a best friend and the positive energy I have put out into the world is my good deed I guess.
The round up to everything is this I guess:
I am sorry.
If you ever thought that I was fickle.
That I was shallow.
That I was flighty.
That I was not a serious friend.
That I took you for granted.
(together in combination or even singly)
I am sorry. I truly am.
And I want to fix it, but it's like sliding deeper backward into a trench whose sides are too slippery to climb back out by my efforts alone. And as time ticks by, the hole fills up with the moisture from the falling rain.
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