24 years of destroying the self-esteem and confidence of my brother and I... has that made you happy?
years of alternations between neglect and insults, personal attacks brought up in the most mundane of discussions, threats, one-sided haranguing, and you dare to scold me for being on the verge of sobbing when trying to rationally discuss my point of view with you? that's like asking an abuse victim why they are afraid of physical touch. except on the mental scale.
why do you think i can hardly stand confrontations, why most of the time in disagreements/unsavory situations (at all times, not just family) my first and foremost thought is to not cry while talking (which im sure 99.5% of the population does not have this problem), while my best formulated arguments come out half-garbled? I have never lasted a confrontation healthily.
blaming people for how i turn-out is obviously not the thing to do, and im not doing such a thing. the only blame is probably my luck/fate/circumstance. but it really is true, a person is conditioned by their environment.
trust you to turn "helping me read through my appeal" into a giant quarrel (but more like one-sided attack) just because i dont agree with 1 or 2 sentences in your version. fuck seriously? you threaten someone with "don't learn your japanese/french/music anymore after all it's useless and a waste on you" just because i feel that in light of the lack of space it would not be the most important thing to put in my appeal. what the fuck. and this is MY document. with you, everything is an attempted slight/insult/pride issue. everything a person says can become negatively interpreted.
and the best part is, you shut me up before i can even say anything that can help steer the "conversation" into more neutral mutually understanding territory. as i usually do for friends/work discussions. no. you don't care. you thrive on anger, angst, cruelty and mean-spirit.
i wonder if i will ever forge meaningful close relationships with anybody, seeing how im so emotionally withdrawn (used to be), and now overly sensitive and messed up. i hate this. and i sometimes wonder if all the hurt you put me through balances the happiness i get from outside home.
and if it's an overall deficit, why do i even bother with this life.
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