it has always been like this. i hate cny. fuck tradition. seriously.
okay, maybe i should qualify this statement:
i really fully support the good values behind CNY, how it's a time to visit your relatives, start the new year off with wishing those closest to you a good year ahead, filled with blessings, good fortune, health, wisdom etcetc. The very meanings behind the auspicious chinese words we say as greetings and the decorations we put up (those chinese word couplets we hang up) , 恭喜发财，万事如意，心想事成，步步高升，年年有余 etc.etc. those are wonderful sentiments, great feelings of well-wishing towards each other. A time to celebrate & spend time together and be happy. You entertain guests and wish them well, serving them food and drinks, of which, some are symbolic of wealth/sweetness in life etcetc. Well that's great. And i really think such things are worth practising :)
but if you go through those motions ONLY because it's so called "a tradition" or if you teach your kids to go through such motions because " then everyone will know you have been raised right/then you will be a proper chinese/then people won't say your parents never taught you" then it's utter bullshit.
you scream/shout/throw gigantic fits & tantrums (or failing which: when there's visitors and you must put on your hypocritical nice face, you say venomous things under your breath) at us, over the most mundane of things... for example, such as the choice between:
1. whether to serve the drinks already poured into the glasses
OR
2. to bring out the cans of drinks tgt with the glasses filled with ice and let the guests choose what drink they want so they can pour it into the glass themselves
WTF? is it necessary to say stuff like "i don't know what's wrong with you *loosely translated*/you get more stupid as you grow up/you are *insert insult about my character here* over such mundane issues??
what is the bloody point, i ask you, of being so particular/demanding about hanging chinese couplets (春联）filled with good sayings (if i recall, you blew up over the issue of buying these as well because we did not buy them IMMEDIATELY when you wanted them), when you don't even freaking follow the good wishes and good thoughts that are supposed to come along with them? what is the point of inviting guests over and offering them all the right things/good food with a smile when you treat the people serving the food around you (maid, me, bro) like fucking shit?
If "tradition" means going through the actions/practices (such as auspicious words and decorations/red colour/guests) EMPTILY, then i guess all i have to say is fuck "tradition".
but if it means carrying out certain practices ONLY because you agree with and think that the values that go along with the tradition is worthy of practising, then by all means, this tradition should be preserved.
if i have kids/family next time, yes, im going to teach them the proper etiquette (ie. greeting your elders with good words etc/being friendly polite to visitors/blah) and the way things were done by their ancestors... but they will do it out of love for me, not out of fear of what i will do to them if they don't.
***
anyway on the brighter side, my aim for this chinese new year is that i am going to get over my awkwardness with kids/little children. don't have younger siblings and am the youngest of my generation of cousins, so haven't ever been in much contact with little kids. must be why i never ever know how to deal with them:/ (but i guess CIP activities with pri sch kids has helped aha) and since my cousins (older ones) all have kids, i shall go practise :)
there's something really nice about dealing with little kids, they are so simply happy, so unpretentious...if they're selfish, they will show it (when they snatch the toys away from their younger siblings and turn their backs on them). if they're not happy they will show it. nothing complicated about them, and when they smile at you, you feel so warm inside, like you just made someone's moment so much happier just by existing and taking up space. much better, than listening to certain people talking to other adult relatives about things you hear every single day of your life, except in an infinitely nicer warmer tone.
I realise i am not really subscribing to the happy auspicious thoughts of CNY thing with this blogpost. Uncharitable thoughts are bad D: i know that, but it's just so hard to bottle them up. At the very least, i am doing the proper thing in my actions (if not for the thoughts): agreeing to everything, keeping silent throughout the verbal barbs, doing exactly what is asked of me and anticipating & doing it before it is asked (carrying chairs/serving drinks/throwing rubbish)...and even entertaining the little kids and striking conversation with other guests voluntarily.
done enough.
I try so hard to be good enough, but I never am.
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