if all it took was around slightly 2 weeks of no-showing after school (perhaps 2.5), that was needed to break your friendship, i'm not sure it went very deep in the first place.
i wonder why it hurts then. i always knew some part of our daily interactions was so purely superficial. but i thought there was a little substance too, a little thing called "my friend" that i could call you. i guess that's where/why/how it hurts. and now there's 2 of you who i can barely talk to. or at all.
Isolated in isolation (or in my head), where my thoughts are all that's talking to me. The thoughts that resonate louder than your words, those words that reverberate with cheer to everyone else but me.
I am tired of fake smiling, of trying but getting the cold shoulder (yours specifically). Looking you in the eyes and seeing that remote look that you used to only give people who you didn't talk to much (dare i say, who you didn't like much?) i find myself back in the past. Overseas in a foreign land with fellow students- some friends- but still lost. I knew you (but at the same time... I didnt). Those closed off circles i once blogged about are back again to haunt.
Except this time, i think i can do something else about it. If trying harder didn't/couldn't .... no wouldn't cut it... Then it's out of my hands, and that's okay.
***
emoing is bad to do before sleeping. it's like when you start down those paths of thought, you can never sleep until you completely go thru it. agonised over this while tossing around.
people around you are like treasure chests buried in the sand; and you- an adventurer, perhaps, digging and sifting through the fine grains.
sometimes, you uncover/scrape the surface of a buried chest, but somehow (by luck/chance/fate/stupidity of your own making) (most likely the latter) you never did get around to uncovering more of that chest. even though the glimpse you caught, had hinted that that was the very thing you were looking for... you left it there in favour of other pursuits. other investments of time that might not have been very wise choices.
and then you realise that that brown unassuming box actually held one or two very special treasures (the ones you were looking for), that could have turned into precious friends. people who you can click with like *that*, who understand you, around whom you never really feel judged as "weird" coz they prob come from that same wavelength, who face the same problems, who you sometimes look at and know they are thinking along similar lines.
and who you never really got to spend much time as friends with. and for that, im sorry.
maybe not even treasures, let's not go with that cliched description. chests filled with rubbishy epic goodness, with laughter that is kinda a medicine for the soul.
friends who are open enough to tell you when they read your blog, who actually ask you if you're alright and want to know the answer. because it's when you don't feel judged, that you can actually tell a person almost everything. and that might not depend on how much time you spend with a person.
***
what can you do to start remedying the problem now?
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