okay, tonight's after-action review was............ i don't know how to describe it... it was a very brutal honest session which didn't feel good for some/many and also quite sad. very emotional too.
those who really really really suffered alot for countdown... it was their turn to tell us what they went through and spill.... and we felt for them, really.
at the same time, alot of us felt really really bad inside. its a strange combination of guilt, non-feel-goodness as well as tiredness. and curiously enough at the same time i don't really know why its there. and im very sure i can say most of us felt bad, at least those who invested enough into this countdown.
i wouldnt dare to presume on other's parts...but okay personally for me, i feel that i did everything in my jobscope then went on to help outside of my jobscope. like helped with the whole clubhouse receiving the goh thing that originally wasnt under us as well as post-countdown reception gifts and also logs for those 2 just mentioned plus printing of prog bklets plus buying alot of other stuff needed for our cleanup and sprucing of the place on the day itself...
and I KNOW that that is obviously not much in comparison to the work that others with worse jobs have to do and had done... i also know my stress might not be as much as theirs in that last week leading up to countdown (though i really felt very stressed and stretched too with the late nights... i really cant imagine the extent of the shittyness it had been for some others) and that though my stress was supposed to be and sort of was more spread out thru the weeks before countdown and less on the week itself for publicity, i took more stuff on so it didnt really lighten on the week itself... and i still cant help but feel bad that i didnt do enough. i know i didnt do as much as some and it feels bad. but on another level i know i did as much as i could also. but in another way i didnt. argh this is a mess. tonight, the main feeling was knowing that others in our comm were dying but nobody really helped. and yes it feels bad. alot of us did. i hope the next event im involved in, i can prevent this from happening in my own way. hope i can find out about it sooner as well. alot of this wouldn't have happened if we had the foresight. but well hindsight is always perfect.
i always feel so horrible that im so fricking emotionally repressed that i really don't know how to comfort a friend properly. it's one of the worse feelings to be there, to want to do something for your friend who is so down, so demoralised, so sad but you don't know what to say, what to do, how to act because you're afraid a part of the cause is you, because you're afraid you won't be comforting, because you're afraid you'll make it worse, because you feel so undeniably useless. besides renci and dingjun who had such a bad tough, unimaginably terrible and traumatising time, mir also took it really hard that she didnt do enough. and she did do so so so much, and with all the emotions around, i didn't know what and how to comfort. and the thing is, ive a really bad habit of wanting and feeling like crying when others are just because i care that they are sad.. but that really doesnt help me in trying to help them feel better. and really who wants a friend who can't comfort you but gets affected to?
i feel like such a useless friend.
why?
since sec school, i could never really comfort someone. what is my problem? i used to be unable to talk/speak much in primary school, learnt to come out of my shell in sec school but i clearly still have major issues dealing with emotions, MAJOR issues.
am i so emotionally repressed that i can't express myself properly to my friends? that i can't comfort them properly or be of much use? can't let them confide in me when they need or want to?
can't express love to the ones i care about till it's too late? can't show the world how i really feel till im losing the person then i realise "oh what the fuck am i doing?".
okay sort of out of control. end.
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