the awkward silence that follows
the "oh crap what the heck do we say" looks exchanged
the hesitant stumped laughter
i saw it all......
and i hate all of it.
i thought it was an easy question
or at least meant to shrug it off as a "just kidding"
stupid me.
and thanks so much
i wish i could laugh it off as a joke, smile like everything's all bloody right -- which i did
i wish that i couldnt care less
it would have been much easier if it didnt hurt that much though.
it's no one's fault. most probably mine. for asking that question which i myself did not want the answer. but even if it was another's fault. blame does not wash away the pain.
it never did.
i sometimes wonder what the heck im doing with my life.
screwing it up?
nah.
just watching on the sidelines as it drives itself down into the pits of hell.
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